what's my favourite song of all time? when i was 16, i was staying with my cousins for christmas. i'd been dating my girlfriend at the time for around four months or so. we'd tried to see each other before, but my parents had gotten in the way. i'd finally booked the tickets just a few days prior. i was leaving tomorrow. my uncle asks if i wanted to take the dog on a walk with him along the beach. it was probably the windiest place i've ever been in my life, and i get these awful headaches in the mind. so there i was, trudging along through the sand at 8pm, the day after boxing day, with a pounding headache and a dog leash in my hand - and i look out at the sea. it was probably the most beautiful sunset i've ever seen in my life. the two hours of awkward conversation during and ibuprofen needed when i got back were worth it. i had something worth living for.
in april of the same year, i was coming back from norway with my parents and my little brother. our relationship had recently reached a breaking point and i was completely mute for the entire journey, despite constant nagging. i dragged my suitcase off the baggage carousel and rolled it onwards to the checkpoint. i'm not the most reliable narrator for this part of the story, mind you, but i think my boyfriend at the time had just broken up with me (or something similar) so i was basically catatonic at this point. assailed without end from all angles. headphones in. i just kept walking.
around a year before that, i was 15, sobbing in bed, staring at the open window wishing i had the guts while everyone else was asleep, clueless. this time i thought i would bite the bullet and text a helpline, maybe it would do something. the nice lady asked me if i could do anything to calm down, like read a book, do something i like. what's your favourite song? she said.
i only listen to microphones in 2020 every couple of months when i feel like i've earned it. re-memory of things i'd learnt the day previous. and the month previous. and the year previous. maybe one day i'll be wise enough to do it right. you're allowed to say i told you so, natalie.