and when the crowd becomes your burden
and you've early closed your curtain
i'll wait by the backstage door
sometimes i feel a slow, sadness wash over me, gently crushing hopes i let go of a long time ago. i want to help you! i used to scream, but is it ever worth it? i think my fatal flaw is a complete lack of knowing when to cut my losses and end a relationship. i will just keep on trying, and trying, and trying, always detriment to myself. love used to feel like something that should consume me, that if i didn't give it my all and lose my grip for someone else then it didn't mean something.
but what's the point of trying for someone who won't, and honestly has never really, tried for you - or thinks that putting themselves in harm's way while you were being ripped to pieces is what 'trying' means? all of the reassurance you were given turns into fuel for passive aggressive slights. all your pain is something that happened to them and not to you - you are written out of your own life. it's all your fault! now it's my turn!
pain does weird things to people. and it hurts when someone you so badly want to see succeed just makes the wrong decision out of confusion and being in pain - pain that took root in a real place - but becomes twisted into some imitation of a thing that never existed in the first place.
how we respond to this kind of pain, that which has the power to rebirth someone, is what defines our life. you have to snap out of it eventually. but some people would rather stick their heads in the sand and hide, living on excuses, champions of escapism.
but it never works. escapism *never* works, dear reader. at some point, you have to truly choose what's good for you. not in some self-serving way to justify hurting others, but to really love yourself. to choose you and not anyone else for the first time. it's not that i wouldn't wait for you. i just don't want to anymore.
in a sense, you always have a place with me, but just as much as any other woman i don't know might have. i love you as much as the lady i see at the bus stop sometimes. as much as my cashier when i'm at the shop. i just feel nothing, and it's beautiful. all i know is that i don't want to be in that world anymore. but if you ever step out, feel free to give me a call.