i like being alone. i've always liked being alone. i don't think it's anything to do with my 'social battery' or being autistic, and i don't consider myself an introvert at all. i just enjoy my own company. my own safety. i like turning people down sometimes when they want to call because i just want to chill out and maybe text every so often. i like sitting inside to do something fun for myself. but for the past year or so, that's been stolen from me.
i'm always on the defence. always reminded of horrible things people have said to me, about me, things people think of me. the 'me' in other people's heads is some weird, contorted monster, always with the worst intentions, hungry for blood. i miss when i knew nobody, honestly. when loneliness wasn't as much a case of being shut out by people, but of feeling safe in my own space, not needing much else. i miss when i could sit in silence and not remember. i miss when there weren't *so* many voices. it was nice. it was mine.
i really hope someday i might be able to achieve this quiet again without the past gnawing at me, wounds, loves, and all.