i fit pretty squarely into the anxious attachment style most of the time. i hate it. i don't like dedicating my entire existence to people. it's sickening. it eats you alive. but it's been all i've known my entire life - fighting to make someone like me, some part of likes the chase. that drive to convince someone of your worth, the feeling you 'tricked' them when it works. but i'm actively recovering from bpd. and i've had some shitty relationships this year that almost entirely failed because of the entirely unbalanced dynamic between me and my partners.
at my best, i'm avoidant. when i'm confident. when i feel built up without the need for someone else. affection scares me. unsettles me. makes me feel like i need to run as far as i possibly can. i hate letting people in. but i like when someone i could really love makes that effort. that slow march towards safety. when i know they feel safe with me from the start, but i take a while longer.
i think this weaves into my post 'boyfriend' - i like feeling like something to be appreciated, but not necessarily stared at. adored but almost like a setpiece in a lot of situations. a lot of my social outings before i moved were wholly uninitiated by me and were with my partner's friends who knew me through her. i loved it. i loved feeling like i was there and acknowledged and people thought i was their friend's cool partner who was chill but didn't really say too much.
i want to hold someone smaller than me. i want our fingers to interlock and i can grab your entire hand. i want to be the big spoon. i'm tired of being diminished.
but i'm small. i'm not a planet at all.