most people treat dreams as either entirely nonsensical creations that they might remember for a funny story in the morning, or maybe something they can draw some vague meaning from about their subconscious needs. but for me - especially lately - it's where i lose all control. where the conscious (if you could say we have that) is dormant, away from the wheel, and the wall of noise engulfs all.
i have ptsd. so i've always had kind of unsettling dreams before. but lately, with my symptoms worsening, every single dream i have involves incredibly triggering situations with people who have hurt me deeply. the worst lately involving jumping out of a moving car. i woke up screaming and crying, had a panic attack, and ingrid fronted to help me get back to sleep after i had been burning and writhing for over an hour already. it's torture. self-inflicted torture without our willpower able to do anything about it.
i take hours to get to sleep (usually involving more panic attacks), then enjoy maybe 3 hours of very patchy sleep followed by a nightmare and a panic attack, then more patchy sleep, and another nightmare. when i wake up, i don't get to enjoy that relief most people get after they have an uncomfortable dream - oh, thank god! my parents didn't really die. i didn't kill my dog with a cheese knife - but for me it's just another trigger of things i'm trying so hard to forget.
i hope one day i might have a nice, calm night of sleep without needing someone else in my bed. to wake up, and not get set alight again, after a night of burning.