how do you know when you've changed? i don't really get a sense of how far i've come, how much i've built for myself unless other people, or my therapist, mention it. a whole city for me, but does it actually amount to anything substantial? i get triggered or feel like i might be about to have an episode and then i'm just.. fine. it doesn't amount to much. that's progress right? to look in the face of what used to push you over the edge every night a few months once again, and feel not much of anything at all?
i can sit here in my tower of trinkets, physically see the memories i've made with new people, and just feel empty. it's resoundingly similar to how i felt about my life when i was 16 - imagine for me, reader, an acne-ridden, nervous, gayboy loser bikube still living with her parents. but it's all so different now, right? in visiting my parents for a good two weeks over easter, seeing the same walls i used to claw at and scream into pillows under, looking out the window i used to contemplate jumping out of every night, there must be something tangible i can mold with all these images that tell me i've changed. that i'm going somewhere.
it feels almost impossible to realise this slow, glacier-pace genesis i've experienced over the past three years, that i might look back and see anything but darkness rather than where i've come from being a tiny speck in the distance. you're in a new bed. a new room. new addiction. new doodahs that are fun to look at littering your shelves. new music, most importantly! but everything else sounds the same.
now matter how many new distractions come, and despite all this new pain layered on top, you still feel the same-old same-old. it's empty. it's dark. however many other adjectives describe what every one of you like me knows is always stuck with you after what you thought was a real, permanent distraction slowly crumbles into dust on the wind. it's just you. and hey, it really is you! but does it really matter? you can build worlds, you can move mountains, the stars are always in your favour, you'll never lose, baby! and that's all it really is. forever, it feels like. it scratches and bites your ears like the bitter wind at your back. it follows you no matter where you go. whether it be torturing you with echoes, or the never-ending silence. it seems you two are going to be together forever. finally, a real partner for life! someone i can count on!
i find myself knowing some of the most beautiful souls i never could have imagined i would ever be able to meet and to appreciate today, but i don't feel much of anything. not hatefully, or nihilistic, just... not much worth talking about. it's all so special and so useless? that's what it does to you. memories are something to help me get to sleep so i don't have to toss and turn as much, maybe i'll have a nice dream tonight instead of those nightmares. i sit split into a thousand fragments, unable to move anywhere as one. you like to remember, i know that much. sit and replay those movies in your head. it never feels real when it's just happening. just a cute story to tell yourself, to remember. but is it ever going to feel like the destination is getting closer? or are we stuck perched atop this tree for the rest of our lives?
love takes miles, so you better start walking