a normal life. that's all i want. that's what i've been telling myself for the past 5 years or so, which is roughly how long i've been severely depressed. since i was 14. but after losing what i thought was that, partly because of a yearning for more, what is a "normal life"?
i've never really felt safe within typical family dynamics. i was raped at a young age by a family member and my parents were very abusive, so it's not exactly like "normal" for me lies squarely within marriage and kids, but it does feel nice in a sort of vague far off sense - it's hard to imagine ever settling down at this stage in my life now, even though that's exactly what i wanted to do with my last partner. it feels like i saw the light at the end of the tunnel but it was taken from me in an instant. it's scary how quickly these things can be revoked.
so what is my "normal" life? maybe to me, normal here means more something i can take refuge in, a safe space, a bunker from the rest of the world. i felt this in my last relationship for a good amount of time, but after transitioning it seems like it was kind of flimsy, weak, easily broken - was i relying on a space built on the back of someone who didn't really intend to provide that for me in the first place?
it feels like my need for a space where i feel comfortable is kind of overbearing for most, even after a slow build over time it eventually comes too much. is there anyone in this world we could feel truly safe with but ourselves? and even that safety is shaky. codependency can easily creep up on you in wanting to establish a space like this with a partner, but like i said in my previous post, i really believe the overlapping of two hearts is one of the most powerful forces of creation in this life.
i can only hope that someone designates me her world-builder, and me hers someday. a girl can dream.