i never wanted you to see that much. how disgusting is it that people know you, but can't see you? like a colony of ants that make their home in your periphery. it becomes more and more apparent, as i go on, that the difference between 'me' and the 'me' in other people's heads, is debilitating. the gap between my existence and yours is an almost intraversable gap it would seem, one that most people just aren't compatible enough to even attempt crossing. but isn't that the beauty of it? this pilgrimage of the soul that takes so much out of us, causes so many conflicts, so much love lost - because you thought you could see the other side of the canyon. but it was another mirage. and you're just too tired to keep on going.
what is love really, except feeling well-supplied enough to keep moving, towards each other, desperate to make it. the less meaningful relationships i have scare me the most, because that deep, non-negotiable drive isn't present, nor is it expected to be, but it makes misunderstandings so much more common. someone who doesn't want to see you will make an image, squinting their eyes, of what they think you are. it feels disgusting. like you're covered in the marks of someone else's gaze. pulled into a world you want nothing to do with.
past this disgust and pain is assuredly beautiful, and i'm sure i've caught brief glimpses of it before in my life, but god does it hurt how easily revoked this paradise, this soria moria is.
all it takes is one to break a bridge.