how much of me, is me? it's kind of a dumb question. of course it's all you!! despite everything!! but at what point can i reasonably claim that most of what i do is from within me, and not stolen from people who hurt me? i'm not here to write about worrying about having a personality, or if i'm boring, because i know i'm not. what i want to know, which i don't believe i reliably can a lot of the time, is how much damage someone can really do, how much of a mark is left on you, before it becomes you.
if you've suffered with any sort of traumatic event, or ptsd particularly, then you know this feeling, dear reader. the other day i had a thought about someone, and then i took a step back and realised it was sort of implanted in me by my abuser. but it was like a kneejerk reaction. it was what first came to mind, even subconsciously, before i put it into words. if you're trained to be an attack dog your entire life, how do you know when to stop? it feels like The War has been raging my entire life, and that i'm patterned and sewn together by a series of relationships that felt like conscription (with other complex feelings layered in, obviously). i struggle to think about what my life could be if i laid down the weapons. i'm like those japanese dudes that kept fighting 30 years later. even if told, and assured, everything in my environment indicated, i still feel i should be on alert, that i shouldn't trust the people signalling to me that it's safe to put my guard down.
i want you, reader, to imagine an eighteen year-old bikube, sat on deck in a boat, all alone, in the greek islands. having a breakdown, a couple weeks after the split from my abuser. i was terrified. panicking constantly about who i really was, that i was just a vessel for pai, rather than a person. that all my mannerisms and behaviours and intuition was beat into me by bad actors. that i never got the chance to build something of my own, to hold my own soul in my arms and decide what i wanted to be. my partner at the time told me "we're not just the bad things that happen to us" or something along those lines. which is a common response from most. but god, is it a long ass list. i mean jesus christ does it go on, and on, and on. can you really imagine grasping a life of your own after operating on pure, chaotic, stumbling, idiot survival instincts for your entire life. your parents, your friends, your peers, partners. who are you if all you seek in a person is refuge?
this is something i've been grappling with lately, in regards to how i've sought out relationships in the past, and the types of people i attract or scare off. when a lot of the people you meet are also young and depressed and usually just as hopeless as you, as real as your love for them might be, it's hard for either of you to imagine living without the other. that all you have is that sanctuary, and it is admittedly a very powerful and bright thing. but is this really a sustainable way to cultivate love? waiting for the day you might feel better, and realise you aren't as similar in your larger goals as you thought, because the fog of depression obscured it all? and it's tough to admit this with someone you love, that you might be going different places. it makes people stupid. and scared. and really stupid.
this is the inevitable pain of dating as a teenager i guess, especially a woefully inexperienced one, regardless of depression. you're both looking to start digging your hooks into the world, figuring out what it is this thing can do - it's a lot easier to love someone when you don't know how different you are in all the ways that really, really matter, especially as an excited teenage girl. you are ugly, and i am blind. it's so easy to want you! the struggle with this realisation is you may find yourself with seemingly much higher standards, that have yet to be filled (at least for me, reader. i'm sure you get all the ladies!). it feels like you might never feel that real unbridled, explosive joy of a first love again (do all lovers feel like they're inventing something?). but the truth is, you won't. but don't be sad, because first loves kind of suck, and you don't want to. because what comes next is a lot more exciting, trust me. when you know what you want, and you have a firmer grasp on who you are, finding someone you feel the pull for will be something more overwhelmingly powerful than you could have ever imagined. because it's an informed love. one you can take out to lunch and talk about the electric bill being too high lately with. one that loves how you cook, even if it sucks. someone who respects you, because you don't have any secrets this time.
i want to see you find this, dear reader. i want to see us both succeed. i want you to know you truly are more than what they did to you. this pain is necessary, get up.